PART THREE. Business in Israel. Number Four. Customer Service.

Shalom, Shloimy--

You didn't know you were wrong, did you?

Well, it's true. You're wrong!!

In fact, you are so wrong, you don't even have a clue what I'm talking about, right?

So let me set you straight:

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!!!!!!!

Did you hear me?

Listen, Shloimy, I've seen you do customer service. I know the truth. I just never saw it before, because I was too close to your office. But now, I'm far away, and

I SEE THE TRUTH!!

Poor Shloimy, you don't have a clue, do you?

Well, Shloimy, let me tell you--once again, today is your lucky day. Aren't you glad you know me? Would you be this lucky if you didn't?

You see, Shloimy, I have come to Israel, and now my eyes are open.

I am going to teach you how to do it right.

You ready to learn something?

Are you ready?

Okay.

Here's how you do customer service.

Four easy steps.

Got that?

Four steps.

Very simple.

Ready?

You can use all of these 4 steps at the same time, or one at a time, or combine them in any way you want.

Got that?

Okay.

So....

Suppose a client calls in with a problem.

What do you say?

How do you respond?

Here's what you do.

1) You shout at the client, very loudly--"What are you asking me for? That's not my job!!"

2)  Or, You say, very seriously,  "I don't know how to answer you, because this is the first time we've ever had this problem." (Note: be careful as you say this; you never want the client to see your nose growing longer and longer as you speak these words)

3)  Or, You say, "I cannot help you today. Our computers are down. Call back a different day."

4) Or, you speak to the client in a language they do not understand; then, when they respond by  asking you a question in their own language, you pause for a long moment--then you hang up.

I'm telling, Shloimy, this is true customer service.

How do I know, you ask?

Poor Shloimy,  you don't understand, do you?

This is Israel, not America!!!